The Final Fantasy 8 Guide Series.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: NEW CHAPTER: Kiros and Ward give their tips on getting the right job for you. SPECIAL GUEST STARS.
1. Irvine's guide to perswaying da ladies.

The Irvine Kinneas Guide to "Perswaying Da Ladies."  
  
Hello, young lonely heart! If you're reading this book, I have to assume that you're some idiot boy trying to get hints on how to persway all da ladies into heading toward you legs first. (If you are not a male, I would advise you to get our sister book, "Selphie Tilmitt's Guide to allowing People who took the Irvine rules to heart to Persway you.") I know you have a lot of questions for this. For instance, what is your qualifications? Well, I:  
  
1) Have defeated many evil villains.   
2) Beat up the Sorceress.  
3) Have a natty mullet.  
4) Have perswayed more ladies than you know.  
  
Since you see my qualifications, you'll probably be asking, "Irvine, how do I get as many ladies as you do?" Well, here are some ways to do this:  
  
1) EVERYONE IS FAIR GAME.  
  
That is my main statement. If you take out the people who are "off the market" for you, you lose out on a large number of people. I have used some typical lines to cover for this in many cases:  
  
i.) TEACHERS/INSTRUCTORS/AUTHORITY FIGURES:  
  
"Quistis!" Since I am such a smooth operator, I went up to her and quickly started my business.  
"IRVINE! YOU'RE ONE OF MY STUDENTS!"  
"So? You were willing to throw yourself at Squall, and he's one as well!"  
  
Extra bonus: HOW TO PERSWAY DA LADIES AFTER THIS STATEMENT:  
  
"Come on! I never wanted him in that way..."  
"Oh yeah? Well, Cid doesn't know that, and I could EASILY head up there and check..."  
"NO! My career here would be ruined! What do you want in return?"  
"I can think of....something...."  
  
As you can see, I was able to persway even a heartless ice queen bitch like my Instructor into the sack.  
  
ii.) PARENTAL FIGURES:  
"Matron!" Since I am still that smooth of an operator, I continued my works.  
"IRVINE! I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR MOTHER! HELL, FOR YEARS, I WAS EXACTLY THAT!"  
"Oh, I see. Just because I wouldn't be your 'Knight', I'm not GOOD enough without the trenchcoat?"  
  
Same story, kiddies...  
  
"HOW DID YOU KNOW?"  
"I have my...ways..."  
"Just don't tell Cid, right? That would just be...horrific for me. I wouldn't be able to...."  
"Oh, there's a way in which you could consider me Marcel Marceau..."  
  
As you can see, age isn't anything but a number to the truly smooth, and that whole "she just ACTED like my mother, not actually was my mother" thing makes it much less sick.  
  
2) HOW TO BREAK THE ICE:  
  
One of the most important ways to get a woman is how good your pick-up line is. It could mean the difference between "cuddled up with that special someone of the night" and "cuddled up with an issue of 'Girl Next Door' and a bottle of baby oil". To prove this, I have gotten some of my friends to try out their best pick-up lines. Let's meet them, shall we?  
  
MR. X.  
Basic story: Whiny. Tries to look dark. Wears leather pants when he has nothing to fill them with.  
  
MR. Y.  
  
Basic story: Follower. Hangs out with a guy in a trenchcoat and a chick with one eye. Definite speech pattern that suggests sexual tension with EVERYONE.  
  
MR. Z.  
  
He is a Chicken-Wuss. Case closed.  
  
I have followed these people to the nearest bar to see how they use their pick-up lines.  
  
"X? X? SQUALL! Go after someone!"  
"Aw, do I have to?"  
"Do it or Rinoa's going to be the next subject for my piece."  
"Oh, okay." Mr.X headed over to the first female he could find with his pick-up line. "Do I have to read this card?"  
"YES."  
"Okay. Ahem. 'Quiet, Bitch, I've got a knife and I know how to use it.'"  
"EEK! PERVERT!" The woman proceeded to mace Squall.  
"IRVINE, I'LL END YOU WHEN I CAN SEE AGAIN!"   
"Okay. Mr.Y?"  
"But I don't want to risk mace, ya know?"  
"Do it."  
"Okay. Ahem. 'Ya know, I can really see myself in your pants, because they look really comfortable and all, ya know?"  
"Oh, I see. Listen, would you like to go see a movie with me Friday? I hear the newest Barbra Streisand film is playing..."  
"Oh, sure, ya know?"  
"Now, for the last one. Go ahead, Mr.Z."  
"Um, hello, I'm Zell Dincht...."  
"BWAHHAHAHAHAAHA! That's the funniest line I've heard tonight! Come on, who are you? Alan Smithee? What?"  
  
As you can see folks, the line dictates the man. Here are some good lines that I have found to work very well for me.  
  
i.) To draw a girl away from her beloved.  
  
If you're like me, girls who are "taken" are the most wasteful piece on the planet. Here are some ways to get rid of them.  
  
"Rinoa, I have to talk to you!"  
"What happened, Irvine?"  
"It's....Squall..."  
"WHAT? What happened to him? Is he all right?"  
"He's been...arrested..."  
"WHAT?"  
"They caught him this morning in the junior classrooms..."  
"Aw, that's so sweet! Helping out the younger students! What was he doing..."  
"All they said was...'Bad Touch'...."  
"I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT FREAK!"  
"I can't either..."  
"I don't think I can be alone tonight..."  
"I'll stay with you..."  
  
As you can see, I've gotten revenge on that little bastard Squall for trying to end me for that whole macing incident and managed to persway his magically delicious girlfriend to boot!  
  
ii.) The neophyte.  
  
"Hi, Irvine, that issue of 'Guns and Ammo' you ordered just came in..."  
"Thanks. Listen, I wanted to talk to you..."  
"Oh yeah? About what?"  
"Basically, I need to level with you."  
"Shoot."  
"Well, no one here likes you. I am your only friend in this whole Garden."  
"That's horrible."  
"I know. Listen, would you like to talk about this?"  
"NO! Get away from me or I'll call Zell on you!"  
"Come on...I'm much manlier than he is!"  
  
However, that night, I would have the last laugh....  
  
"mmmm....fa fa fa fa fa fa....never be the same again...."  
"Heehee..."  
"WHAT? IS SOMEONE THERE? IRVINE? YOU SICK FUCK!"  
  
Now, I know this looks bad for your hero. However, it brings me to part three:  
  
3) HOW TO READ LADIES SIGNALS.  
  
Now, this lady may look unperswayable, but it really is not hard. To realize what they really mean:  
  
"No!"= "Yes!"  
"Hello there, Irvine. What's up?"= "I want you Irvine. Please, take me! Make me a real woman!"  
"Help! Police! There's this one guy who's been harassing me for a long time now!"= "Oh, I love to have some witnesses to see me fulfill every girl's fantasy!"  
  
And of course, the ever-popular thing that everyone needs to know:  
  
A RESTRAINING ORDER IS JUST A LEGAL DOCUMENT DETAILING HOW SHE'S PLAYING "HARD TO GET."  
  
4) Is this method really the best way to get women?  
  
Of course, there are people who will say "Irvine's a misogynist," "Irvine is promoting evil", "Irvine, put on some pants!", "Irvine, that looks like a penis, only smaller!" and other such nonsense like that. However, they need to know the important lesson:  
  
MEN WHO KNOW WHAT THEY WANT WILL GET THE GIRL.   
  
The only time where the nice guy gets the girl of his dreams is in those bad romantic comedies you need to go to in order to get laid. Speaking of which:  
  
IRVINE'S TIPS TO LOVE #42: If you go to see one of those crappy "romantic movies", the girl OWES you sex. If you go to see "Titanic" or movies of that type, she must give you it in any opening you want.  
  
As you can see, the guys who are complete jackasses always have the cute girls flocking to their side. By logic, BE A JACKASS. In order to look the part:  
  
i.) Dress like a pimp at all times.   
ii.) Always wear a cowboy hat, in order to give yourself that "I desperately want nothing more than to be Kid Rock" look.  
iii.) GROW A MULLET. Guys with mullets always get the girls.Look at that dude with the "Hello my future girlfriend" site, he's mulleted to the max and is probably swimming in a sea of ladies now.  
  
Conclusion:  
  
After this, you should be able to get any woman you want, using the Irvine Kinneas method. Just remember: If you do it, the first time you have sex, just make her call you Irvine, okay?  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________  
Disclaimer:  
  
DO NOT USE THESE THINGS. I am a firm believer AGAINST all of these methods. As a quicker route:  
  
The Alan Smithee guide to PERSUADING the ladies:  
  
Whatever Irvine says, DO THE OPPOSITE.  
______________________________________________________________________________________ 


	2. Default Chapter Title

The Selphie Tilmitt Guide to Making Boys Like You.  
  
Greetings, young lady! If you're reading this book, you're probably wondering, "I'm sick and tired of the boys not calling on me! What do I do to get boys to fall all over themselves for me?" Well, dry your eyes, because I, Sselphie Tilmitt (The extra "S" is for sex!) is here to help you get any guy you want! You may wonder, "What are my qualifications?" All I need to reply is, You know that guy who made the "Perswaying Ladies" handbook? He's my man. Do you need any more clues about my skill? If you're sane, you don't. Now, to give you the tips necessary to have boys flock all over you!  
  
1) Appearance(Upper.).   
  
The first important rule is to have a nice appearance. Now, your mothers may have told you that "If you keep clean, then boys will flock to your door!" or your fathers saying "You're the most beautiful girl in the world!" However, you're a young woman now, and I'm here to tell you that they're bullshitting. You are NOT the most beautiful girl in the world. For that matter, you're not in the top one million. If you're clean, the boys will NOT flock to your door. They'll think you're too straight-laced to party and will look for a "dirtier" girl. I know what you're asking, "But Selphie, how do I get guys to notice me if this is the case?" The answer: COVER UP EVERYTHING. My advice is to look through your favorite magazine, pick out a random attractive person with basic features like yourself, and keep putting on makeup until you look exactly like her. Some tips:  
1) In this work, always apply a primer coat. (It will hide pimples, blackheads, and other minor skin marks that make you less pretty.)   
2) Get a picture of this person. (I cannot stress this enough. A person who attempted this trick tried to put on the makeup to a TV show with their Makeup Mentor on it, but her little brother changed the channel, leaving it on a Mr. Bill sketch from Saturday Night Live. She went to school that day looking exactly like Tammy Faye Bakker, and the boys never looked twice at her again.)   
3) Beg one of those artsy kids to draw the person's face on yours.   
4) Walk out of the place looking pretty.  
  
Here is just one example of this from my own experience:  
  
"ZELL!"  
"What do you want now, Selphie?"  
"Couldja do me a HUGE favor?"  
"What now?"  
"I need someone to draw this picture on my face..."  
"Oh, all right. What's the promise?"  
"Um, I'll let you be seen with me...."  
"Seen with you? I'm already seen with you a lot!"  
"...and I'll buy you a couple hot dogs."  
"WOO HOO! You've got a deal!"  
  
I proceeded to get this guy to do the artwork on my face.  
"Zell? How do I look?"  
"You look like a million bucks." I checked the mirror...."AAAAHHH! WHAT'S THIS BLACK SCAR ON MY FACE?"  
"Oh, sorry. Glare. I'll get it..."   
"ZELL! You've fixed it! I look pretty! Now that transfer guy Johnny Football-Hero's going to be so pleased...."  
"Oh...yeah...Glad you're happy..."  
  
This experience should teach you a lesson:  
  
Selphie's tips to Looking Pretty #7: Always keep a list of people who are crushing on you at any moment handy. You can use them, abuse them, and they'll still be too dazed from just being with you to care!  
  
Now that our face is pretty, this brings us to the hair. A lot of people think that boys enjoy haircuts based on how your face looks or if it is just additional to how pretty it makes your face look. This is fine, but I prefer results. As you obviously know, it's not enough to be pretty, you also have to be popular! It is because of this that I prefer a haircut like my own: Short, curved at the bottoms, and with a special hairspray around the bottoms that is a mixture of Propecia and Viagra. In this manner, my hair is perfect to be the pretty little semen receptacle that all of the boys flock to. If you follow this as well, boys will beat a path to your door!  
  
However, this isn't enough to just have you be pretty. It's also necessary to be the prettiest girl, period. Some tips to have this occur, from my own occurence:  
  
"Quistis! Hi! Listen, I was wondering, could you help me get some practice on magic?"  
"Sure. Trying your limit break, eh? Let 'er rip..."  
"WATER! NOW!" The water headed straight for Quistis's face.  
"YOU LITTLE BITCH! MY MAKEUP'S RUINED!I'LL GET YOU!" She tried to run after me with that Aqua Breath she has, but I quickly turned around and sacrificed the back of my hair for the whole package. "Next stop, Rinoa..."  
  
APPEARANCE (Middle/Bottom.)  
  
Ah, yes, the problems of youth. All of the good foods are so fattening. Most people will show easier things if you're a little overweight, like that whole "Marilyn Monroe was a size 14" or "In the Renaissance, a heavy-set woman was the picture of beauty..." THIS IS BULLSHIT. Unless the boys in your town are all into Marilyn Monroe (read: Homosexuals) or are remnants of time compression from the Renaissance, lack of weight is in. You should definitely start a diet, much like the one I'm on: Nothing for breakfast, nothing for lunch, and a sensible dinner, consisting of nothing. It might be hard, but in the end, you'll be pretty!   
  
However, I know your questioning. "But, isn't not eating bad for you?" Yes, it is. I mean, if you just don't eat, eventually your body will take away fat from the places where you need some fat in order to be pretty, namely, the breasts and butt. If you're flat in those two places, only a few people will think you're pretty. Due to this, I've used a special liquid that works wonders for me:  
  
"Damn, guys, this meal was great! I'm stuffed!" Before people knew it, I had excused myself to get help for this.  
"Dr.Kadowaki!... Dr. Kadowaki! I...need..some...help..."   
"Selphie! What's wrong with you now?"  
"Quistis...got angry...slipped poison in my meal..." Damn, I deserve an Oscar.  
"QUICK! Here. Drink this Ipecac syrup. It'll be all right..." YES! I got it!  
  
As you can see, I'm now able to lose weight, and manage to keep fat in places where it's pretty! If you follow this, you'll be able to manage this as well!  
  
CLOTHING:  
  
The clothes of course, make the woman. Here are some hints on what to wear in order to maximize being pretty:  
  
A picture of Quistis. Caption: "As you can see, this one is good...if you're looking for a prom dress. It has just enough skin to make the guy hot for the entire night without making you look like a cheap whore.However, if you use this as a full-time outfit, either you're a cheap whore or you are completely insecure."  
  
A picture of Rinoa. Caption: "This one doesn't do as much, either. The cape wouldn't work well unless you plan to drop gracefully down to wherever you plan to meet them. In addition, the clothing underneath the cape shows that this person's trying desperately to be 'one of the boys', which is never a good thing. Guys make fun of their sisters, they never think that they're pretty."  
  
A picture of Selphie. Caption: "My outfit is the complete 'yes' outfit! It's immensely short, as you can see. This is necessary to maximize the skin being shown, because if you are nearly naked with your clothes, boys will think of you being naked, and then they think of sex! When coupled with my habit of never wearing anything underneath (I cannot stress this enough for the same reasons above...), I look really pretty in this entire outfit!  
  
OTHER:  
  
There are some habits that the truly pretty girl shouldn't have. I will go through them as follows:  
  
DRUG USE:  
  
Some of the more popular drugs will involve not looking pretty. Most of your really addicting drugs (Tobacco, Crack, Heroin) will only prove to make you decidedly not pretty. (However, some drugs like: Alcohol [Alcohol makes you less subsceptible to reason, which makes you popular!], Sugar [If I ever eat, it's at least 5 pounds of that sweet white stuff a day!], and Ecstasy [Ecstasy makes you attainable!] are perfect for the person who wants to be truly pretty.)  
  
INTELLIGENCE:  
  
Don't allow it. If you're being macked on by a cute guy, and he hears some really big word come out of your mouth, he'll think you're a smart chick. If you remember anything from this, using big words makes boys not like you.   
  
FAQ.  
  
Now, it's time for me to field some questions from fans.   
  
Question 1:  
  
"Selphie, I was wondering. If not eating makes you pretty, but swallowing makes you popular, which is more important?"  
  
Ah, yes, the eternal question. Is it nobler to not swallow, staying pretty but having that boy not like you, or swallow, making you popular with boys but eventually get fat and ugly? The answer for this is somewhat complicated. I've tried to go through with this by putting it all in one cheek and just clearing my throat, giving the appearance that I swallowed. Once they leave (they always leave immediately after they go), I spit it. Simple?  
  
I think I've gotten all of the questions that I could find. As a result, I hope now that you know how to be truly pretty!  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________  
  
MEMO to all females:  
  
THIS IS NOT THE OPINION OF THE AUTHOR. At last check, I was male, so I assume I can give the right advice:  
  
Just be yourself. If you're real, guys feel that and won't care about the rest. We (at least the ones who are worth the trouble) don't give a damn what you look like. Most guys just care about the person we'd have to live with for 80 or so years, not the person we'd only have fading memories of 20 years from now. If a guy ever thinks anything different, find someone worth your fricking time.   
_______________________________________________________________________________________  



	3. Default Chapter Title

Squall's Guide to Love.  
  
Okay. You've met the girl/guy/sheep/warm apple pie who makes your head wander, your heart melt, and your leather pants "tent", and you don't really give a care about these side effects. All I can say in this case is "Sucks to be you." It is well known that love is evil. Love was created by Hyne to weaken opposing forces to the side that he was with so they wouldn't have the ability to fight. Nowadays, it just eliminates the minds of various people, causing them to become unable to function. You're probably asking, "That's all well and good, Squall. However, what if I don't share your mindset?" I don't really care. It takes different strokes to move the world. In these cases, I am going for the people who don't really know how to get their message of love across.(WARNING: THIS IS HUMOR. SQUALL HAS NO QUALIFICATIONS. HE IS A CERTIFIED QUACK.)  
  
1) How to start it off.  
  
The first step, of course, is to find a proper love interest. This is not as hard to do as it may seem. Then, you need to know if your feelings are legit. I prefer to use the "LFO test." This is so named because when you fall in love, you tend to get songs by popular crap-pop band LFO stuck in your head for weeks on end. If you do not, or do but beg your best friend to do horrible things to you to end the torture, you're in your head. If, however, you do not care, you're probably in love.  
  
2) How do I find out if it's mutual?  
  
The preferred way for most teens these days is to ask friends of the love interest. They'll usually ask the friend and come back to you with the answer. This is not a good idea, as there are many cases in which the friend will give false information in order to drive the person crazy and/or break his/her heart. The way I would recommend is the "Homey approach." In this one, you find a quite small group of friends who have the advantage of being in the same loop as the person but who you could also count on to keep it under wraps. I recommend a secret code symbol that'll point them to the one you're smitten with. This helps if you're trying to find ways to woo the person that the ones who know about it will be able to pick up on and/or if you need a peanut gallery to cheer you on. However, this option can also falter if you're not close enough friends with the person to be absolutely certain of their trustworthiness.  
  
3) How do I try to win them?  
  
There are usually two trains of thought for the answer for this age-old question. Either you have the people who'll just tell them up front how they feel, or you have the people who are too afraid to tell their feelings. Do not place yourself in one of these categories by the way you act normally. If you are in the first category, you'll set all the cards on the table at once, either giving you success or total humiliation. If you are in the second category, you may want to try to win them from afar. I recommend taking some various writings of yours, or if you are not a mage of writing such as I, song lyrics you find off the Internet, and leaving them in places you know they'll find them. If you use these, I cannot stress this enough: GET ACCESS TO A COMPUTER AND A BRAND-NEW PRINTER CARTRIDGE. The computer is important because it is the one thing where everyone has the same handwriting. If you use your own handwriting, it becomes quite easy to deduce who you are, which could leave you answering questions you are not ready to answer at that time. If you use a typewriter, you're probably safe in most cases. However, if the person is related to a detective or police officer, you run the risk of them deducing who you are from the typewriter font. Computers eliminate those by keeping all fonts in the public domain. The printer cartridge works because if you don't get one, you risk the color turning blue. This could end up with a potentially easy way to deduce who you are.  
  
  
In conclusion, chances are that there's no happy ending for love. Love was bought out by Hallmark and Disney, bastardized, and sold off piece by piece. Therefore, if you're looking for love, chances are you won't find it. However, if you're just looking for a good booty call, you just might be able to do it. Now, I send you out towards the world.   
  
_______________________________________________  
Note by the author:  
  
Why do I need a note? This is the real motherfucking deal here.  
  



	4. Default Chapter Title

Quistis's Guide to Dealing with Admirers.  
  
Hello, all you attractive people out there! If you're like me, you have the most intense problem possible: You are too damn pretty for your own good and people are beating paths down to hook up with you. This can be good- in small doses. After that, it gets boring when you have people flocking to follow you around like you're some kind of female Fred Durst. It is because of these things that I've decided to help you get a handle on these things quickly and easily. What are my qualifications? Well, I'm very attractive and have what people call a "wicked body", and I'm frequently followed before, during, and after classes by a strange "fan club" full of admirers of both sexes, all trying to get a piece of me. Now, let's help you get some breathing room!  
  
1) THE FAKE NUMBER.  
  
One of the most important ways to get rid of pesky admirers is the fake number. This is perfect because the admirer thinks that he's "money", while you get rid of him. Here is just an example of this when used properly:  
  
"Ah, Ms.Trepe!"  
"What do you need now?"  
"Well, you see, I might need some help with the work later on, and I was wondering if you could..."  
"Oh. Well, do you have a pen? My number is...767-9008. Do you have it? Perfect. Now, just call if you need the help, okay? There's a good lad."  
"YES! I'm SO in..."  
  
As you can see, everyone ends up happy. But I know what you're thinking. "Quistis, what if I can't think of a number off the top of my head?" Well, that's why you need to know all your close confidants' numbers, friend and foe alike. Let's go back to this scene...  
  
"Okay, got the Barry White voice, got the look, now to call..."  
"Hello?"  
"Um, uh, is Instructor Trepe there?"  
"No, this is Rinoa. Can I help you...?"  
  
As you can see, I made this guy the problem of my DEAR friend Rinoa. That will serve her right. I mean, come on! I called Squall, I was all set to make him a man the night they made him a SeeD, that little bitch comes out of nowhere and cunt-blocks me? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not bitter or anything...Let's move on, shall we?  
  
2) SMILE, NOD, RUN  
  
This one is probably the most basic of all techniques. It should be self-explanatory. However, I must warn people that this is only a beginner's technique and should be avoided if you know any other way to attract a man, as this has been known to encourage admirers in many cases. It's relatively cheap in its expense of energy, but you get what you pay for.  
  
3) MOVING IN PACKS  
  
This is probably both the most safe way to travel if you have a lot of admirers. If you have a few people with you, you will always have someone to talk to so that you don't have to pay attention to the admirers and not risk looking like you're schizophrenic (See "FAKING PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS.") For a good example, I've got a sample of the pack I'll usually hide in in order to get free from admirers:  
RINOA- Cute, somewhat less threatening to guys, has boyfriend that 90% of my "school" is CONVINCED they can take in a fight. Always good to hang around with. Plus, she goes for one of my admirers, I am free to go after...Come on, you can do this, he's Rinoa's, tell yourself that...  
SELPHIE- She's not as cute as me, but she has a reputation of being what they call a "good time girl." ALWAYS have your school's "bicycle" in your pack, as nothing shakes off an admirer more than a booty call.  
  
In addition, these people will likely both be somewhat attractive (easy way to get rid of admirers; find someone else for them!) and may have their own admirers who may be more...interesting than yours! All things considered, this is one of your safest bets.  
  
4) TRY TO LOOK MATURE.  
  
It is a well known fact that being smart makes boys not like you. As a result, to dispel the effect of your charms from boys, ACT SMART. It helps if, like me, you actually ARE smart, but seeing as many of you will read this after hearing the effects of my dear friend Selphie's tips and taking them to heart, I can't really vouch for that part. If all else fails, do the following to look mature:  
i.) Dress in the nicest clothes you can find,  
ii.) Always carry books for your classes around with you,  
iii.) Wear glasses, whether you need them or not,  
iv.) Cultivate an interest in the most pretentious music you can stomach (Blur, Harvey Danger, and Matthew Sweet are my personal faves in that department,)  
v.) SUPPRESS YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.  
  
However, I must warn you: No matter what you thought when you were younger, smoking will NOT make you look mature. In fact, it will make the guys think you're much more rough-edged than most girls, which will make them convinced you're ready to party.  
  
5) KNOW WHEN TO KICK SOME ASS.  
  
This is entirely important. Kicking ass is the best way to eliminate your most persistant admirers. If you have some small amount of weaponry (mace or such), don't be afraid to corner them and use it (for safety reasons, ONLY do it if you see them outside of school.) I myself can't count all of the times when "Save the Queen" saved me from my most persistent admirers.  
  
6) PLAY ALONG.  
  
Hey, sometimes nothing's going on. Your admirers are always a good source of entertainment, so just go with it. It's like having your own personal Jenova's Witness/Door-to-Door Salesman/Zell to make fun of without having to risk them getting really mad and leaving, because they like you too much to do so! Just sit back, listen, and have a ball! (WARNING: If you play along too much, you could risk them thinking you like them.)  
  
7) CLAIM TO HAVE STRANGE FOREIGN BELIEFS.  
  
This is yet another one that takes some serious skill to pull off, but the skills necessary are often not worth the risk this involves. While beliefs that range from the mild "Men in my country always wear brassieres...I am so homesick!" to the advanced, "If you want me, you need to get a circumcision ritual , with no anasthetic, that has to be done by the gunblade of the pure, while the administeree has imbibed some spirits to purify himself...", they can often be humorous enough to put a smile on anyone's face. However, the risk from this comes twofold:  
i.) If you say these are the norm for people in "your country" and you'll go for someone who'll do this for you, if someone's crazy enough to do the act of this, you're required to go out with the person. This is part of the IGC, and not following through puts you at risk of your name and number (I sincerely hope for this you followed #1 here) with the word "Skank" in many different parts of the message.  
ii.) The "cute foreign girl" act has been found in many instances to be a "turn-on" to guys.   
  
8) AVOID EYE CONTACT.  
  
Remember, don't look these people in the eyes. Eye contact is a very bad thing, as it has been proven to lead those to lose their hearts in many situations. BE CAREFUL if you have to look at them; if you're annoyed by them following you around, imagine them when they're truly not thinking. (I know this pain too well. I saw a couple of people who I thought were just good students and acknowledged their existence. Now I'm the subject of some bizarre cult-like fan club based on me.)  
  
9) GET A BOYFRIEND.  
  
This is easier said than done...in most cases. However, if you can get a guy who can pretend to be your boyfriend easily, you'll be in clover. An example:  
  
"SEIFER! Listen, I'm having some...trouble..."  
"What do you need?"  
"These crowds of people are going after me again, I was wondering, you'd play my boyfriend for me, right?"  
"What's in it for me?"  
"I'll help you get in with a SeeD retaking..."  
"And...?"  
"Well, you get to kick a lot of ass in the process of this!"  
"EXCELLENT! I'm on it!"  
  
"ALRIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS, STAY AWAY FROM QUISTIS! SHE'S MY BITCH!"  
"heeheehee..."  
  
10) FAKE PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS.  
  
Faking a psychological disorder is ALWAYS a goldmine to get people off your case. Here are a few that I enjoy immensely:  
  
i.) TOURETTE'S SYNDROME  
  
The old standby. Quick, easy to learn, and able to clear people away in a single bound...  
  
"So, Quistis..."  
"What do you want HAHAAHAHAL:AALLA!"  
"Um, well, uh,..."  
"Go ahead. Hit me with your BIG FAT DONKEY SCROTUM!"  
"Um, I have to go..."  
"Don't worry. I'm always free for a good DILDOSMACK....."  
  
i/1.) MUSCULAR VERSION OF ABOVE  
  
The more advanced version; you talk normal, but your muscles...  
  
"Ms.Trepe!"  
"Hi, what's going on?" ::elbows person in face::  
"Why'd you do that for?"   
"Oh, I'm sorry, it's a tic..."::backhands person::  
"Geez, this is completely..."  
"Tic..."::puts a vice-grip on genitals::  
"OWWWWW!"  
"I'm sorry, it's just this...thing I have..."::punches person in face::  
"Well, geez, get that checked, I'm outta here!"  
  
CONCLUSION  
  
Basically, the most important thing you need to know is: Looks fade. All people (with the possible exceptions of the following: Zell Dincht, Alan Smithee...) will eventually find that person they're meant for. But until that happens, you're stuck with them. While you may not like it all of the time, you can at least make it interesting on yourself.  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
DON'T DO THIS TOO OFTEN. It gets REALLY annoying to people, and those admirers who want you bad enough will just keep at it anyways. (See future Guide.) Plus, the law of averages dictate that if you have enough admirers, at least one of them is worth a chance.  
  
  
All Tips to get rid of Admirers in this fic (Well, save for the Psychological Disorders thing, that was all me) courtesy of Mariye. Be warned, all males reading the FF8 board, this kitten's apparently stolen a whip from Quistis.  
  



	5. Default Chapter Title

Seifer's Guide to Dealing with Women's ways to Deal with Admirers.  
  
Hello, bitch! If you're reading this message, you're probably frustrated with the ways that the object of your admiration is getting rid of giving you the lust object you want. However, me and my crack team of "scientists" to the female condition...  
  
"He mentioned us, ya know?"  
"SWEET..."  
  
...have come up with some sure-fire ways to get rid of those pesky tactics. Remember before you do this: PEOPLE ARE EASILY DISTRACTED BY GATES. If you can get past the gates to a person, you're in. (All people are acted out by my female crack scientist.)  
  
1) FAKE DIGITS BESIDES THOSE SOLD AROUND HALLOWEEN...  
  
As you may have seen, the most well respected way to get past an admirer is the fake number. This can lead to trouble if she's doing anything, but it's easy to get past, using the following tools that I will demonstrate...  
  
"What's up?"  
"What do you want, Seifer?"  
"Listen, I need some help with my SeeD exam, so I was wondering..."  
"Listen, here's my number. Just call 767-9009 and I'll help you out..."  
"Thank you SO much..."  
  
Later that day...  
  
"HEADMASTER CID! I...need to talk to you...."  
"Seifer! What happened?"  
"Accident...Training Center...Fujin...injured..."  
"Oh, dear."  
"I need to get her number so I can tell her parents to come get her..."  
"Certainly, certainly, let me check, it's...867-5309. got it?"  
"Thanks. I'll get right on it."   
  
In the event that you're not in a place where they're known, just slowly follow the person until her name comes up in a conversation and check afterwards. Works a little better, possibly more if you can get both first and last name.  
  
  
2) PHONY ALERT...  
  
This is so easy, even the Chicken-Wuss could do it. Just run after them. Duh!  
  
3) THE PACK OF FOXES: HOW TO GET PAST IT.  
  
This could lead to some problems, UNLESS you do the sanest thing and get some friends to help out. I recommend enough people to either have one-to-one conversations or risk one of theirs needing to stop everyone at once. You should definitely have a good mix of people who are professional "grenade-stoppers" or people who actually admire the other ones in the pack. Once this occurs, you're in clover.  
  
4) WHAT'S HER AGE AGAIN?  
  
This is so easy it's insane. Just pretend to be mature yourself and wait until they slip up...  
  
"This is such a wonderful night, eh, Seify?"  
"You know it...it is so...inspiring..."  
"Yeah, it's just really good..."  
"I feel like writing great works about how perfect it feels...to be here...with you..."  
"Really? That is just SOOOOOO cool!"  
"CAUGHT YA! SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!"  
  
5) YOU CAN'T GET YOUR ASS KICKED IF YOU DON'T TURN AROUND FOR IT...  
  
This could not, would not, and cannot be tried on me, because I could wipe the floor with any bitch that tried it on me. If you're looking to me as a role model, I assume you can kick some ass, so you should be able to take them on. Just bitchslap them a few times and show them who the big dog is!  
  
6) THEY CAN'T PLAY GAMES WITH YOU IF YOU ARE THE GAME...  
  
Playing along is a little hard to check for, but if you can get your observational skills up there, you can work it. Just remember the following:  
i.) If you ask if they're playing, they'll always reply "No."   
ii.) Notice a few tell-tale signs about playing with you (most times, the person's voice and the look in their eyes will be slightly different if they're not sincere. Find these times and hammer them...)  
"So, what's been going on?"  
"You know, the normal stuff...Been thinking about you..."  
"Oh, I've been...thinking about... you too..."  
(3...2...1....)  
"NO, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!"  
"What?"  
"YOU HEARD ME, EVERYONE! THIS PERSON TRIED TO OFFER ME 500 GIL IF I WOULD MAKE OUT WITH THEM!"  
  
7) FOREIGN OBJECTS AND OTHER THINGS THAT LEAVE A MARK...  
  
PLAY ALONG. I cannot stress that enough. If they say to wear a brasseire, DO IT. If they say to go around doing things that Tom Green would turn down as "too stupid" to people for their amusement, DO IT. If she wants you to get circumcised by a drunk guy with a gunblade, STAGE IT. Remember, the Inter-Gender Code says that if she tells you that if you do something that idiotic for her by her request, she must give you a chance. If you really like her, this should be no trouble at all.  
  
8) EYE CONTACT IS FOR PUSSIES...  
  
This is once again easy to get around. Just follow her facial movements to the point where your eyes are always with hers. If she turns her head down, just cradle her chin with your hand, recite some random poem to look "deep" (The one about the Man from Nantucket is my personal favorite for that...), and just reap the benefits.  
  
9) BOYFRIEND? WHAT BOYFRIEND?  
  
This seems completely iron-clad, but if you're serious enough, you can pull it off. Either disregard the guy and continue as normal (eventually they're bound to have a fight. Then just pull up before they make up, act all smooth, and drive a spike through any hopes of them reconciling. Then just run with it....) or just beat the hell out of the guy and pin it on a roving gang of hoodlums. (If you're DC like I am, swearing to find the real culprit and showing them what not to do allows you to beat up a random person AND gets you over with her!)  
  
10) PSYCHE-OUT!  
  
Just remake the Tourettes, and just dispel muscular like so...  
  
"Hey! What's up!"  
"Nothing, what about you...::elbows in face::"  
"I don't know...::grabs chest::"  
"What? ::slaps in face::"  
"It's just that new tic thing...::grab them close to you(deep kiss always appropriate in this situation)::"  
  
CONCLUSION  
  
Basically, you may think that people are unreachable, but you couldn't be more wrong. You just need to know how to get through to them and work your skills. (Of course, it helps if you have some...) Well, once again, follow these rules or I'll get you on "The List" so fast....  
_______________________________________________________________________________________  
Note from the author:  
  
The actions in this piece (particularly Operation: Dispel) have been proven to cause restraining orders and/or not get anywhere with the people you try them on. If you happen to get these things to happen to you, just claim someone who is not me or Seifer (do you WANT to go to the nut house?) told you to do it. 


	6. Default Chapter Title

Zell's Guide to Crushes.  
  
What's up? If you're reading this, YOU FUCKING PUSSY! You can't get a girl by yourself and need to read stuff like this? Dude, there's no difference between reading these things and reading those fashion magazines that always show up in salons. The first tool to get the girl to like you is also the 11th commandment (as per the Balamb Garden's Commandments that were put up to prove they were anti-US government: THOU SHALT NOT BE SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY, ZELL DINCHT... WHAT? SEIFER! I'll get you after this article....So, where was I? Oh, yeah, Hef decided to throw this huge party for the FF8 cast, you know? Beautiful women, huge mountains of the finest cocaine...  
"Um, Zell, you're supposed to be talking about crushes and how to succeed in them, remember?"  
Oh, yeah. Well, let's get on with it.  
  
1) The first sight.  
  
Most people will tell you that love doesn't completely occur at first sight. Well, they're completely wrong. In extreme situations, it can occur, and at the very least, a girl can enter your bank after one look. Let's find a...DRAMATIZATION that I have stored in my files...  
  
"Hot dogs, I've got hot dogs, oh I love my, love my, hot dogs....DAMMIT! My hot dog slipped! Well, I'll just get another...WAUGGHGHGHAHHAH!"*BONK*  
  
The next thing I knew, this complete hottie went to get in line, and....  
  
"Whoa, what happened to you?"   
"She's beautiful. Come on, say something clever..."  
"I bent my wookie..."  
"Damn, that must hurt. Hold up, I'll get some ice..."   
  
This brings me to rule number one on my Tips to Love: NEVER, under any circumstances when meeting a girl, tell her you injured anything that requires them to put ice on or around your groin region. It will not look good on your record.  
  
"Does that feel better?"  
"Of course..."  
"Listen, my name's....."  
  
"I'm so scared right now....How was I to know Fuu and Seifer were going out....I'm probably going to have to be in hiding for a bit....I'm sorry, Mom...."  
  
DAMMIT! WHY DID I HAVE TO USE THE SAME TAPE OVER DURING MY "I WANT TO MAKE MY OWN 'BLAIR WITCH PROJECT'" PHASE? Well, at least we're up to the next part:   
  
HOW TO GET PAST THESE BOUNDARIES.  
  
Now, if you've already gotten some knowledge about the girl, it's necessary to determine the depth of your feelings. I suggest a few weeks of angsting like a weenie, thinking about all the possible women who you're interested in/ are interested in you in the hopes that some time, it just...pops. Once again, an example...  
  
"ZELL, GET DOWN HERE! I need you to help me set up our booth!"  
"Aw, come on, Mom! Isn't this your 'Bingo' week?"  
"No, this is my 'Garage Sale' week! Get your ass down here!"  
"All right...Doop de dee, Setting up the Junk, Getting me the Gil, Setting up the Junk, Getting me the....*POP* THUD...."  
  
"Dude, he's going to know we took this, ya know?"  
"That Chicken-Wuss? He'll never be able to do anything about it! Come on, now, Let's go! I'M...TOO SEXY FOR MY...SHIRT..."  
  
THOSE BASTARDS! They copied over the important part of it! Well, I'll have to describe it. Basically, you can tell if a guy or girl is crushing on you by the facial expressions. As a person's feelings get more serious, they get more of that cool, "Dreamy" look on their face whenever they're around you. Remember this and confront those who you see packing the mark.  
  
STEP ONE: How to get past the "Awkwardness" phases:  
  
The first step every guy has to go through is, of course, getting the number. Otherwise, you have to be within too close of boundaries to try to make a move, which could lead to some problems....  
  
"Zell! What's been going on?"  
"Absoslooootelly nothing, Jhshsutugfugj;lfhjfhbrnffdh..."  
  
WHAT? I don't have any of those tapes....  
"You're not the only one with a Digital Camera, ya know?"  
YOU GUYS? But you've had yours! Okay, then. There are easier ways to get the number than the "go up to them" manner, without having to go through people. Remember, kiddies, if you have a crush on someone, YOU CANNOT TELL A SOUL. Otherwise, you risk people coming up to you giving you crap about giving the girl you desire Brian McKnight lyrics for a LONG time... Well, here's my manner around that....  
  
"So, when do I, um, start work?"  
"Zell? You work at the library too?"  
"Um, yeah, I love...books! Yeah, books books books!"  
"Oh, yeah? What's your favorite one?"  
"Oh, you know, that one book, it's completely horrid but everyone thinks it's amazing....HARRY POTTER!"  
"Oh. I've heard nothing but good things about that one. Well, get to work..."  
  
Seems bad, huh? Well, just wait until the other parts...  
  
"Oh, Zell?"  
"What, ma'am?"  
"We're going to need you to have one of these. If you're injured or sick, you can just call one of the girls to take your shift..."  
"Thank you!"....."OHHHHH YEAHHHH! Money, Let's see, her number is..."  
  
As you can see, if you're willing to work for it, you can bypass the girl easily. Now, to the hard part...  
  
HOW TO GET THE GIRL TO GO OUT WITH YOU.  
  
There are many different routes for this manner. I'll get through a few of the most important ones, as shown by me and my homies.  
  
METHOD 4: S.L.  
  
S.L. is a normal guy, a bit of a loner, always thinks people want to see his package or lack thereof. Let's hear his ways to get the girl.  
  
"I just beat up anything and everything that tries to harm her. If you do it enough, you'll slowly get more and more over until she's mad about you."  
  
METHOD 42: I.K.  
  
I.K. is a horndog. He tries to come off as a bad-ass pimp, but comes more off as a gay-ass cowboy.  
  
"Deep dicking. REALLY deep dicking."  
  
METHOD 420: Your hero.  
  
The Balambian Bad-Ass. The Great One, The Showstoppa, the ICON!  
  
I usually try to play it cool while trying to get my women. Let's see some of my ways to attempt to do so...  
  
"Well, we're going to get out early...."  
"Yeah...listen,..."  
"What, Zell?"  
"Well, since we're going to be getting out so early...I've got this really good setup for movies in my dorm, would you like to go..."  
"Zell, I have to study. Some other time, definitely..."  
  
"EXCELLENT! We won the contest! Library Crew Kicks Ass!"  
"Listen, I said that I would take the top person with me, so...?"  
"Well, I have some more work to do. Some other time, definitely..."  
  
"SUMMON...DIABLOS!"   
"ZELL! WHAT UP, NIGGA?"  
"Listen, Diablos, I'm going to need your help for a bit..."  
"What is it?"  
"Well, there's this girl I really like..."  
"Oh, I see. Well, I think I can help you out..."  
  
"Doop de doop de dee....Just a few more minutes..."  
"IMPUDENT YOUNG ONE! COWER FOR DIABLOS!"  
"What's your problem?"  
"Listen, I'm down with this one dude, Zell Dincht, you know him?"  
"Yeah, one of my friends. What about him?"  
"Well, he's a really cool guy, and you should give him a chance..."  
"I want to, but I'm always busy...."  
"Well, you should make time for the guy. Definitely."  
"Okay, I'll try to."  
  
Well, these are the ways that I've tried to use for it....  
  
"*strum* I know a girl.....named...."  
  
YOU BASTARDS! I DIDN'T INTERRUPT YOUR GUIDE! Well, luckily, I'm at the end. I know you're wondering, how do I get her to notice me, to like me? Damned if I know. If I did, do you think I'd be writing this? Hell, no! I'd be in my dorm hitting her ass like a home run in the ninth inning! Basically, I have absolutely no clue on the important things. However, if you see yourself in these, you might have that happy ending (DRAMATIZATION):  
  
"Squall, I love you..."  
"...."  
"Hi, I'm the plumber."  
"I've been waiting for you."  
"Should I...get to work?"  
"Yes....I've got to have your help...my pipes DESPERATELY need cleaning...."  
  
SEIFER? MOM?   
  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Note from the author:  
  
I'm in the same boat as Zell, here. If I knew how to help make women feel the same about you as you do about them, I wouldn't be able to write about how I can't. Basically, this may or may not be a good thing, but all I know is it'll probably leave a mark either way. 


	7. Default Chapter Title

Rinoa's Guide to Breaking Hearts.  
  
Ah, young love. It's that magical time when all is right with the world. The sun is brighter, the birds sing sweeter, the grass is much stronger, it's great. Unfortunately, that quickly can fade. I'm here to tell you how to break a guy's heart...gently in these situations. My credentials? Do I need any? Well, this is all going to be completely "shoot", as for some strange reason, during all of that "Squally-poo sweeping me off my feet" thing, I kinda...sorta...forgot to break up with my ex-boyfriend Seifer. It's completely normal, I know. Here's some ways to break some hearts....  
  
Take 1...  
  
"Seifer..."  
"What, Rinoa?"  
"We need to talk..."  
"What is it now?"  
"Well, it's not you, it's me..."  
"WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHY WOULD I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU HERE IN THE QUAD?"  
"RINOA? WHAT ARE YOU DOING...WITH SEIFER OF ALL PEOPLE?"  
"But, Squall..."  
  
Okay, back to the drawing board...  
  
Take 2...  
  
"Seifer..."  
"What will you try now?"  
"Well, this time, it's not me, it's you. You're whole 'Sorceress' Knight' thing is just...moronic!"  
"WHAT? YOU WANT ME, NOT SQUALL, TO BE YOUR KNIGHT?"  
"Rinoa...?"  
  
Take 3...  
  
"Seifer, I need some help..."  
"What now?"  
"Well, it's just that...my old boyfriend was just released from jail...I REALLY should give him a second chance..."  
"But...I'm your old boyfriend...I did serve some time..."  
"Rinoa? WHY?"  
  
Take...4....  
  
"You might want to know something, Seifer..."  
"What is it?"  
"Well, when we met, I was...lying about my age...being sixteen..."  
"Oh, really, how old were you?"  
"Well, let's let my old family friend Officer Friendly talk to you...Unky Officer! This is the man who molested me last summer!"  
"YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE STATUTORY RAPE OF A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL...Who's your boyfriend now, Rinny?"  
"Um, that'd be me, sir. Commander Squall Leonhart..."  
"Okay...YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR STATUTORY RAPE OF A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL..."  
"DAMMIT!"  
  
Take 5...  
  
"Seifer, I've found Hyne!"  
"That's nice. Great. Forswearing sorcery?"  
"No, I'm becoming a nun! Hyne is my man now!"  
"But..but...Rinoa! WAAAHHHH...."  
  
Take 6....  
  
"Seifer..."  
"What now?"  
"I'm going to be leaving Garden..."  
"S'cool. Tell your two little sidekicks I said hi, kay?"  
"No, I'm going to be taking a new position at my job...over in the United States..."  
"You're a SeeD. SeeDs don't go to the United States."  
"Well, I am! Later!"  
"But...she...never said goodbye to Me! WAAAHHHH....She always loved Seifer..."  
  
Take 7...  
  
"Seifer, you're just not what I'm looking for in a man at this point in time..."  
"Oh, yeah? And Puberty-Boy is? Well, I don't wear a trenchcoat for nothing! SAY HELLO TO THIS AND SEE WHO'S THE MAN YOU WANT!"  
"That's...yours? Geez, you've shot up there since I was gone..."  
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU, TOO BUSY USING MY GUNBLADE TO SLIT MY WRISTS!"  
  
Take 8...  
  
"Seifer, you're friends with Fuu, right? You'd get a good impersonation of her..."  
"Well, sure."  
"OKAY. RESTRAINING ORDER. DOOR. NOW..."  
"Awesome! Irvine told me a restraining order was them telling the guy that she's playing hard to get!"  
"She...still likes Seifer?"  
  
Take 9...  
  
"Hey, Seifer! Look, it's Selphie! I hear she's hornier than hell and needs any man right now..."  
"Oh...Hey, Selphie!"  
"Are you trying to get with me? Irvine is my man, so don't step to me!"  
"But wasn't Irvine just in that drive-by shooting a few weeks ago?"  
"Well, you don't KNOW him like I do! He's much nicer than that, and so cute..."  
"Wait, I see what she's doing. She's trying to tell me that RINOA WANTS SELPHIE IN A THREE-WAY, EVERYBODY!"  
"*sniff* Another man would be bad enough....WAAAHHHHH..."  
  
Take 10...  
  
"So, Seifer, miss the spotlight?"  
"Why?"  
"Well, I've gotten us both spots on Temptation Island..."  
"AWESOME! Island getaway for two..."  
"Not even one guy's enough for her....? And it's not even...me?"  
  
Take 11....  
  
"Okay, Seifer...You scare me, okay?"  
"Okay. That's fine. Oh, hey, Irvine! What's up..."  
(that night...)  
*zzzzz*  
"Oh yeah...Silently the knight heads to the sorceress's lips..."  
"SEIFER, YOU SICK FUCK! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"   
"Okay, okay..."  
"Seifer's coming out of...Rinoa's room? Time to fall forward...."  
  
Take 12...  
  
"Seifer, I need to tell you some thing..."  
"What?"  
"Dr.Kadowaki said I have 5 minutes to live....I don't want to spend them with you..."  
"Okay...But you are..."  
"Rinoa's dying? And she didn't tell me? That's it, if she's not going to live, I'm not going to live...."  
  
Take 13...  
  
"GIMME BACK MY THINGS OR ANGELO WILL GO FOR BLOOD!"  
"Geez, you're so...forceful. Care to pick them up in my dorm?"  
"Okay! doop de doop de doo..."  
"Seifer and Rinoa...going to his dorm room together? Nooooo....."  
  
Take 14...  
  
"Seifer....You might need to know some things..."  
"What now?"  
"Well, when we met, I wasn't a virgin..."  
"Oh, really?"  
"I lost it about...3 years ago...one of Daddy's top soldiers..."  
"Oh, he raped you?"  
"Lord no, it was all my idea! My idea a few other times, too! What do you think about THAT?"  
"Actually, it's kind of kinky, dontcha think?"  
"Geez, you dirty slut! All that stuff went through? I can't believe this! You've just ruined me for all other women! I'm gay now! And not just a little gay, mind you, I'm talking Full-blown, Liberace gay! Now, where's Nida at?"  
  
Well, these apparently didn't work here. Seifer hasn't broken up with me yet... At the very least, I've got the one sure-fire tactic to get past all of that...  
  
"Seifer?"  
"What, Rinoa?"  
"I was just talking to Dr.Kadowaki...she did some tests..."  
"What now?"  
"Well, I'm pregnant..."  
"BYE!"  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Warning by the author:  
  
These methods are proven to work well in all circumstances. However, the author recommends you don't try them on him (or Seifer), as they both can pierce through any break-up technique. (POSSIBLY including the last one, if the author is good enough...)  
  
Props where props are due: The vast majority of these tips (aside from a few of them which were taken from the accounts of good friends who don't come to this site and will probably kick my ass if they find out about this) came from Mariye. TRICK! 


	8. Default Chapter Title

The Final Fantasy 8 guide to Flamers.  
  
Hello, everyone, for our newer, revised version of the FF8 Guide series. I, as you all know, am Squall, SeeD, Commander of Garden, and a surprising fourth place in the recent Freestyle World Championships. Today, we are studying one of the most elusive types of humanoid on Earth, the flamer, a.k.a. Moronicus Devolvareeno. In order to determine this wily type of flamer, we will study their ways and eventually prepare you to combat them. Here, now, is my little sidekick with a basic overview of the "Flamer."  
  
Thanks, Squall. This is, of course....Squall? Do I really have to refer to my parts as this?  
"Yes...."  
Oh, all right. "Mr.Know-it-all Zell's Information corner." Where do I begin? Ah, yes, the flamer. These people...are evil. They are evil right down to their black hearts which pump not blood, but rather a thick, oily goo. They are known to cause such things as general discord, sickeningly horrific feelings, and 5 diseases that, until flamers came along, were only found in horses. These flamers have been known to wither people's crops and have stolen Christmas from the years 1987-1991. Basically, Flamers suck.  
  
Thank you, Mr.Know-it-all Zell, for that...informative report.  
"DAMMIT, I'm not Mr.Know-it-all Zell!"  
Would you rather I call you Chicken-Wuss?  
"Oh, all right..."  
Moving on...It is, of course,necessary to determine what a flamer is so you can avoid them. Here with this, is our appearance correspondent...  
  
Hi, everyone, it's me, Selphie! Here is my way to determine if you've spotted a flamer! Flamers tend to hang out in packs, mostly because sane people don't like them. Most flamers tend to be either 11-12 year old boys who are just passing through until they find some really cool "nudie pics" or some really bad writers who are completely jealous of you. The second type is easier to avoid if you find them, but is also much easier to squelch; one or two cheap good compliments will work swimmingly. If it is the first type, I advise you to do as the name suggests. The term "flamer" came from our area, where a series of Oilboyles came up to the surface and proceeded to torment people. Since most of the first type of flamer's is in possession of more oil than your average fast food joint, do as we did: light a couple of matches and set those fuckers aflame. You may hear them scream when you do this, but that is just their demonic soul calling out as it prepares for its journey back to Hell. Do not take pity on them when you hear it. Remember, It's for their own good.  
  
Thank you, Selphie, for that informative report. Now, I know that people will want to know if they're being flamed or not, so we've got an expert witness of how to determine what is a flame and what is not. Quisty....  
  
Thanks, Squall. Ah yes, The flame. Many people's definition of this differ dramatically, so I prepare to offer a few examples to show what is a flame and what is not...  
  
"Wow, u realy stinckno ofense but I thinck you shood keep ur day job.Learn to use speeel check -YoU sUcK aNd YoU kNoW iT   
(yousuck@Irule.com)"  
  
As you can see, this is a typical flame. Notice the horrific lack of any classes in English at any level, except maybe Remedial "Leg Up" English. Pay proper attention to his claim, which in flamerese, is "Learn to use spell check." THIS IS NOT INTENDED AS IRONIC HUMOR. The flamer apparently thought that was the right spelling. Also, pay attention to the typical things inherent in flamer posts; the SwItChInG of CaPiTaL letters, the "yousuck@Irule.com" e-mail address so they look like badasses, and the like.  
  
"Okay, I didn't really like your fic. Here are some tips to really make your work shine..."  
  
Despite many people's claims, this is not a flame. Remember, kids, Not everyone has to love your work. If it's handled like this, it is actually a good thing in almost all occasions.  
  
"flames, sending evil greeting cards, creating e-mail address to torment you, using your name to flame people"  
  
This is not a flame, despite people's thoughts. This borders on Cyber-stalking. Alert whoever runs their server, the site where it happens' officials, and if you feel it necessary, the police. (Don't worry if they get arrested for this stuff, if they go to jail, no prisoner in their right mind would rape them, so it's not like they're going to be tortured...)  
  
"previous: I CANNOT BELIEVE IT MY FAVORITE AUTHOR IS LEAVING THAT AUTHOR IS THE ONLY ONE WHO GIVES ME POSITIVE REVIEWS I BLAME THE FLAMERS (insert author's name here) IS PROBABLY THE RINGLEADER I SAW HIM WRITE A COUPLE OF REVIEWS THAT DIDN'T CLAIM THIS AUTHOR WAS GOD!"  
  
"reply (from author in question): Look, calm down. You're being a complete fucking cuntrag right now! I didn't flame your "savior" author or something! Relax, take a couple of Midol, and DEAL WITH IT."  
  
The author writing this is not flaming the previous author. The author is merely stating a fact.   
  
I hope this tutorial has shown you what is and what is not a flame.  
  
Thank you, Quistis. Now, as an actual bonus, Sir Laguna, the Personality Hunter, has cornered the lair of the King of the Flamers! Take it away, Laguna!  
Thanks, son!   
"Um, dad, people watching, ixnay on the onsay..."  
Oh, right. I've found this normal middle-class residence. Inside is the mythical King of the Flamers, a person who'll flame everything which isn't his work, often in one fell swoop! Now, to sneak in...  
"Hello? Who are you?"  
"Um, is your son home?"  
"Why, yes he is! Just go on up..."  
*boom*  
*boom*  
*boom*  
"What's that?"  
"....."  
"Ward says that our target's going to the door..."  
"Okay..."  
"WHOA! Laguna? Kiros? Ward?"  
GET HIM, GUYS! As you can see, my colleagues have grabbed his arms and legs and spread them out. Now, I'm gonna go in and stick me finger right in his bumhole...  
AWRIGHT! He should be really pissed off now...  
"Um, Laguna?"  
What now?  
"Just check this out..."  
"My dream has finally come true..."  
DAMMIT! I should have figured that the King of the Flamers would be gay...Well, back to you while I boil my bumhole finger!  
  
Thank you, Sir Laguna, everybody! Remember, he's available for weddings and bar mitzvahs...to stick his finger up people's bumholes. Well, that's our report on flamers and how to recognize them. I'm Squall Leonhart, reminding you to help control the gene pool, have your local flamers spayed or neutered! 


	9. Default Chapter Title

"Laguna's Guide to the New Presidency."  
  
Greetings, people! If my advisors are correct, your country has a new leader. Might I just say, GOOD FOR YOU! Since I wasn't quick enough to get on the ballots this time around (THANK YOU VERY MUCH, ALAN SMITHEE, YOU LYING...LIAR WHO SAID YOU GOT THE SIGNATURES...Just know I won Florida, I did...) at the very least, you got a guy who is virtually a dead ringer for my policies! As a President myself, I figured I'd give you the tips to survive the Presidency of...Kiros? What's that guy's name again?  
"Um, George W.Bush?"  
"Didn't they already have him in office?"  
"Um, this is his son..."  
"Okay..." Well, anyways, on to the ways to survive the Presidency of President What's His Name!  
  
1) DON'T BE SURPRISED ABOUT IT.  
  
You heard me. Back when I assumed the Presidency of Esthar, everyone was a little surprised at it, saying stuff like "The economy's going to go to hell!" or "There's too many Dangling Chads!" That last one really hurt me, I mean, I checked my fly a zillion times, and it was always fine! However, now when you look at Esthar, you see a Brilliantly Technological world led by the Father to the world's greatest hero! So if you will see it that way, There's no problems.  
  
2) DON'T GET TOO ATTACHED TO YOUR CHILDREN.  
  
Yes, when the old guy hears about how "The oil prices in the Northeast are a little high due to how cold it is in wintertime and the corrupt state governments deciding to tax gasoline while it's being stored, leading merchants to order less gas...", he proceeded to open up the strategic reserve to get some oil to those people. When the new guy goes in, his first plan will be to bomb the hell out of the Middle East, then open up the Draft to get people to go die for him and his oil company buddies! As a result, this is a good time to cut any ties you have to 18-25 year old males. Break up with your boyfriends, disown your kids, they'll all die in Iraq anyways. I know what you're thinking, "But Laguna, our country doesn't need females in the draft..." Not likely. This guy will open it for women, so you'll ALSO die for his friends!  
  
3) SELL ALL YOUR STOCKS.  
  
That's right. Sell it all now, because if you don't, you'll be selling pencils or apples by November. The stocks were already plummeting, now it's just going to go downhill. If you sell it now and put your money into pure gold (or food, or guns and ammo to take others' gold and food), you'll be safe. It's what we did in Esthar, and look at us!  
  
4) RELOCATE TO CANADA.  
  
Remember, kids, this guy gets to name around 3 or 4 Supreme Court Justices. This means his Presidency can last for years on end. BE AFRAID.  
  
5) CHANGE YOUR CLAIMS TO PEOPLE.  
  
Come on, everyone likes to say "I AM THE FOOLKILLER! I KILL ALL THE FOOLS I MEET!" However, for the time being, put that on the down-low. I mean, come on, there IS a law saying you can't threaten the President...  
  
Conclusion:  
  
Basically, suck it up and hope for the best. I'm going to be running in...When's the next election? Oh, well, whenever that happens. Sign up for me now so that bastard Alan Smithee can get me on the ballot, and hope for the best! Thank you, and Good Day. 


	10. Default Chapter Title

Zone's Guide to Pornography.  
  
Greetings, my friends! As you know, having a lady is the most special way to spend a night...or an hour...or a coffee break....Well, anyway, sometimes, you just can't get yourself a lady. Therefore, I come to you to give a frank discussion of the next best thing...NAUGHTY MAGAZINES. I myself have some expertise at this level, having a very storied collection of these things. ::ughh...my stomach...:: Well, I've given you the main total ::groan:: , so let's get it on!  
  
Question 1. IS PORNOGRAPHY A SIN?  
  
Glad you asked that, generic question man! A lot of people out there will say "Pornography is evil in the Bible!" or "Pornography is a sin against God!" However, I've managed, since I am THE MAN, to get the actual proof of this by getting HYNE himself...  
"Um, Zone, Hyne cancelled."  
"::ARGGGHHH:: Well, did you get his son?"  
"On a tortilla somewhere in Arizona."  
"Well, what did you get me?"  
"Some dude who thinks he's the Second Coming."  
Okay, scratch that, we've got a guy who swears he's the second coming to talk about whether it's a sin or not!  
  
"Hi, folks. I'm Alan Smithee. If you actually sit down and read the Bible, you'd see that NOWHERE does it say that you can't have pornography. The one scene where it is anti-masturbation is in the realm of actually being anti-deception rather than this stuff, making the act of it technically okay if you're doing it in front of someone (which could be read either way) and perfectly fine when you're just doing it to pictures, i.e. a naughty magazine! Well, good day..."  
  
Thanks, Alan, for that talk. As you can see, naughty magazines...or tapes...or life size blow-up dolls with realistic features...are NOT sins. Next question?  
  
Question 2. Does Pornography count as degradation of these people?  
  
In my expert opinion, no. I do this because of the "Logic" clause. As such, I use the following law for this:  
  
If it's consensual, it's logically not a problem.  
Most porn is consensual.  
Therefore, most porn is logically not a problem.   
  
As you can see, this is also perfectly fine.  
  
Question 3: How do I get some prime-quality porn?  
  
Well, this is a problem. First off, you need to either be over 18 (this rules!), look over 18 in person (Once again, this rules!), or carry yourself to be over 18 (three for three!) Once you do this, you're in clover, any legitimate porno shop will sell you that sweet sweet stuff. However, if you're not over 18 (or haven't gotten your I.D. yet), I'd advise you to search out gas stations which have people who don't care. There, it doesn't matter if you have them or not, you can get it without problem! ::groan...:: I needed to try that a few times around my 18th birthday. Then, of course, I got into legitimate porn shops, and the rest is history!  
  
Question 4: How much porn do you have, exactly?  
  
More than you can imagine. I'm a lucky boy!  
  
Conclusion:  
  
::groan...my stomach...end this quick...:: PORN RULES! THANK YOU!  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Note from the author:  
  
Zone's a perv. Porn's bad, mmkay?  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 


	11. Kiros and Ward's Guide to Work.

Kiros and Ward's Guide to Finding the Perfect Job.  
  
Greetings, young person! If you're reading this, you're currently looking for a good way to make some quick spending money. I, of course, am Kiros Seagill, a high-ranking official on President Laguna Loire's staff. This is my little sidekick Ward Zabac, the renowned motivational speaker. Say hi to the people, Ward...  
  
"..."   
  
Oh, wait, I forgot that whole..."mute" thing. My bad. Well, at the very least, I have covered my ass on this...  
  
"..."  
  
No, it's NOT the first time I've ever covered my ass, Ward...Well, anyway, since we are high-ranking officials in a very powerful government, and because Alan Smithee's apparently giving us a higher budget than normal to get people to read these, I've managed to find some people to do the talking for Ward. I give you...Kaientai!  
  
"Hahahaha! Thank you, Kiros! We will be certain to give you some good voices for your friend in this guide! You paid us nicely, so you can trust us, even if...WE ARE EVIL!"  
"INDEED."  
  
Okay, then. Let's go to the first option for young people:   
  
THE LEMONADE STAND.  
  
Ah, yes. Who didn't start out as kids with a lemonade stand? I remember this stuff like it was yesterday...Um, could you cue up that old-school funk...now?  
  
"Excuse me, mister?" Aw, aren't I cute?  
"What would you like, little boy?"  
"HAHAHA! YOU will buy this lemonade from us, or we will have to hurt you!"  
"INDEED...."  
  
Hold up! Wait one goddamn second! Ward's not in this flashback! This is only me!   
  
"Not a chance. Our agent negotiated us pieces in all of these options. YOU WILL DEAL."  
"INDEED."  
  
Oh, all right, all right, Ward's in it too... Just don't touch anything...  
  
"Oh, lemonade? That's fine...Here's a nickel for each of you...."  
"Thank you, mister man..."  
"Oh, all right....HEY! WHICH ONE OF YOU LITTLE SHITS PISSED IN THIS LEMONADE?"  
"HAHAHA! YOU SHOULD NOT TRUST US, BECAUSE AFTER ALL: WE ARE EVIL!"  
"INDEED."  
  
As you can see, my...COHORTS...screwed me over, causing me to lose a large portion of our fanbase. I tried to tinker with the thing a little bit, but I have no records...  
  
"NEW CAR FOR SALE! UM, 10 DOLLARS OR BEST OFFER!"  
"BABY SISTER FOR SALE! 25 CENTS!"  
"OLDER SISTER FOR RENT! 1 DOLLAR PER BASE!"  
  
Hey! Where did those come from?  
  
"We told you, you shouldn't trust us! WE ARE EVIL!"  
"INDEED."  
  
Well, anyway, that only works for so long. Eventually, you have to get something that will actually cause you to need to work...  
  
THE PAPER ROUTE.  
  
This can have its pros and cons. On one hand, you get to make more money than any Lemonade stand will give you. On the other hand, you'll need to wake up at 3:30 in the morning to deliver the fucking things. This can lead to some heavy problems, as you'll see here...  
  
"Now, class, who can tell us the answer for number 4...Kiros?"  
"Tee hee hee...I am Selphie...Aren't I pretty? All the boys like me because I am so pretty..."  
"KIROS SEAGILL, I NEED THE ANSWER NOW! DIDN'T YOU DO THE HOMEWORK?"  
"But...doing math makes boys not like you!"  
".Okay, who can solve this...Ward?"  
"I Swear on Mount Greyskull the answer is 42!"  
"INDEED."  
"That's correct, Ward! Someone obviously did the homework..."  
  
As you can see, this job didn't last me too long. It wasn't until I got a little bit older that I got a different job...  
  
THE LOW-EXCITEMENT JOB.  
  
Everyone has to have some bad jobs in their careers. Fortunately, that's what High school is for. Here are some examples of the most well-known of these jobs....(Don't worry. You'll get this job no matter what, so it's not necessary...)  
  
"Welcome to Burger Matic, may I take your order?"  
"HAHAHA! YOU WILL GIVE ME A NUMBER 3 VALUE MEAL, SUPER-SIZED."  
"INDEED."  
"You like this stuff? Try it on this side! Just take an application, big man!"  
  
"HAHAHA! YOU WILL ENJOY THIS MEAL, AMERICAN PIG OF DOG!"  
"INDEED."  
"Congratulations, Ward! Here's a promotion! Kiros, go clean up the bathrooms, why don'tcha?"  
  
Now, this is where I jobbed this one...  
  
"NO, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!"  
"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING HERE, SEAGILL? YOU'RE FIRED!"  
  
I just KNEW that'd work... Well, anyway, we're up to the mid-level job. It's probably around here that we should give you...  
  
THE INTERVIEW: HOW TO ACE IT.  
  
I've gotten a few candidates for an Internship opening in the President's office. Let's look at their pre-qualifications...  
  
X:  
  
A Chicken-Wuss.   
  
Y:  
  
Little teenybopper chick.  
  
Z:  
  
KAIENTAI.  
  
Let's just see their Interviews...  
  
"Ah, Mr. X, I see you've got some good qualifications...Friend to the President's son...Good fighter...Channeled Ward here a couple of times... Pretty good stuff. What can you bring to the office?"  
"Well, I'll do whatever is necessary, I have good people skills..."  
"Thank you. We'll be in touch."  
  
Interview: Seemed too...Needy. Show some backbone.  
  
"Well, Ms.Y, what made you want to be an intern here?"  
"I WANNA SUCK ON SIR LAGUNA'S DICK!"  
  
Interview: Laguna liked her, but I always hope for someone who actually is willing to work. Not passing.  
  
"YOU WILL GIVE US THE JOB! WE WILL WORK! WE ARE EVIL!"  
"INDEED."  
  
Interview: Forceful. Knew what they wanted. GOT THE JOB.  
  
  
Oh, what was my point? Oh, yeah. This one time, me, Ward, and Laguna were out trolling for some ladies, and this one chick starts coming on to Ward here, only Laguna saw she had that Adam's apple thing going on from a mile away, right? But Ward here was actually interested, right...?  
"..."  
What? Jobs? Well, I guess we're done on that. They know how to get jobs, don't they?   
  
"INDEED..."  
That's right. INDEED.  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Note from the author:  
  
Job advice? Don't go with it. Just wait for what you truly want to do. Everything else will fire you, lay you off, break your heart, or some mixture.  
  
OTHER TIPS:  
  
DO NOT hire KAIENTAI to do voices for Ward.  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 


End file.
